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Turkeys and Americans Get Stuffed on Thanksgiving

By | Comedy, cooking, eating, holidays, love | No Comments

What’s the difference between a turkey and an American?

Turkeys get stuffed on Thanksgiving, but Americans get stuffed every day.

turkey stuffed (1)

 Turkey with bacon and craisin stuffing by Australian MasterChef Julie Goodwin

Millions of Americans get stuffed two or three times day. Most fill up with prepared foods and snacks at home and on fast foods and snacks when they’re not at home. It’s the western way. If you don’t like hamburgers, soda, cookies and other similar stuffings, you’re often ridiculed by the masses who do.

McDonald’s is the #1 most visited business overall in the US. Huffington Post. Eating fast is America’s favorite pastime. In fact, it’s a sport. Check out Major League Eating for current records on competitive eaters stuffing themselves with everything from turkeys to pumpkin pies to cow brains.

Eating is the secret hobby that will never show up on hobby lists. But Americans love to eat. In fact, the US holds the record as the most obese nation in the world. Reuters. Watch Fast Food Nation to see how this came to be.

Thanksgiving is one of the few days a year when many Americans observe food in an old fashioned kind of way, by pulling out their food processors and making home cooked meals. For decades, western women have been programmed to believe that cooking is drudgery. So Thanksgiving is one of the few days a year when women bother to cook. Men drink as they entertain the kids and watch TV. Beer commercials, football, truck commercials, parades, pharmaceutical commercials and the evening news help to get everyone in the holiday spirit.

Breaking News: Man still on death row after fifteen years. This is what happens when you ask for your last meal to be an all-you-can-eat  buffet. Sickipedia

Thanksgiving is one day of the year when you can find all-you-can-eat buffets in homes throughout the country. It takes plenty of time and money to pull off this annual feast. Moms and grandmas spend hours shopping, planning, decorating, baking, stuffing turkeys and teaching the younger women the right way to make the family’s sweet stuffings. I remember my first Thanksgiving with my new mother-in-law. She put me in charge of the sweet potatoes and later told me that I didn’t do it right because my recipe didn’t include marshmallows. I failed one of the initial rites of passage into the family tribe.

Turkey Eating Competition

105-pound woman gobbles down an entire turkey in 10 minutes out-eating her male competitors, including one man four times her size

On Thanksgiving Day Americans celebrate the stuffing of turkeys and the stuffing of people. This is followed by Black Friday, one of the biggest sales day of the year. This four-day weekend is the kickoff to the holiday shopping season and celebration time for retailers.

On Thanksgiving we’re supposed to take time out to be appreciative. But between all the shopping, traffic lights, cooking, cleaning, drinking, eating, watching commercials and playing games and there’s little time or patience left over to take time to say thank you to anyone who isn’t a sales clerk. If this sounds familiar, perhaps it’s time to simplify your life.

We could be thankful that we have enough food to stuff everyone in the country, but unfortunately, some people become obese while others go hungry. We could be thankful for the four-day holiday, but it probably does more harm than good to most people’s health and finances.

You may not be able to change holiday traditions for everyone in the country, but you can begin by making changes in your own traditions. Perhaps you’d like to eat something other than turkey this year?

If you’re concerned about gaining weight through this year’s holiday season, check out the Film Diet Plan. With some thoughtful planning, you can find ways to do less stuffing and more thanking. Are you ready to answer the question, “what are you doing for Thanksgiving this year?”

Everyone was finally seated around the table ready to dig in to Thanksgiving dinner when little Joey picked up his fork and began to eat.

“Wait Joey,” his mother said. “You can’t eat until we say grace.”

“We don’t need to pray here,” he said.

“Of course we do. You know we always pray before we eat at home.”

“That’s at our house,” he replied. “but this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.” SHE

PreventObesity.net logo

 

Halloween Balls: A candy substitute for people with balls

By | Comedy, eating, holidays, parenting | 4 Comments

It takes balls to say you’re not going to pass out candy on Halloween. It’s like saying you don’t want to roast a turkey on Thanksgiving, or fire up crackers and hotdogs on the Fourth of July.

Smiley Face BallsYou may think people who turn off their porch lights on Halloween night are anti-American scrooges who don’t like kids, when in fact they may be doing you a favor. Your kids get less candy, but more exercise as they parade to the next house. Some kids do more walking on Halloween night than they do most other nights of the year.

Why do you think Superman’s costume is so tight? It’s because he’s wearing an “S” when he needs an “L.”  Funology

Buying sweet goodies is more of a trick than a treat. You think kids like Halloween?

Valentine’s Day, Easter and Halloween are even bigger celebrations for the candy industry. According to the National Retail Association, Americans will spend more than $2 billion on Halloween candy alone this year.

Halloween is the time to sample new sweets. Adults buy pounds of their favorite candies to share with kids and colleagues, and to hide away stashes for themselves. Millions of Americans are plagued with sugar addiction.

If you want to know whether or not your kid is addicted to sugar, try this little experiment.

Candy contributes to cavities and other dental issues. That’s why we have the Halloween Candy Buyback program, you might be thinking. But do you really want your dentist getting free PR on the evening news because he’s paying kids for candy he sends off to troops abroad? Don’t fall for this prank! It’s like shipping our electronic waste off to China and India, making people in other countries suffer from our toxic waste. GreenPeace

 

It’s normal for parents to want to pass along their heritage. But why not create a new healthier tradition? Instead of passing out candy this year, have balls, throw balls, and get kids excited about playing with their balls!

Why balls?

Sour balls and other candies helps kids with eye-hand coordination as they improve their aim to their mouths. But balls help kids with more important things, like long distance eye-hand coordination, physical balance, strength and endurance.

Ask any man. He loves his balls and he’s enjoyed playing with them ever since he can remember. If you don’t believe me, test this for yourself. Given the choice, a boy will part with candy before he’ll part with his balls. Balls are to men what shoes are to women. SearchQuotes

Males tend to be more athletic than females. They keep their balls with them all the time, close at hand. The majority of females grow to appreciate balls, but parents with little girls need to know that there’s no guarantee on things like this.

Even though they may not have any themselves, they understand that men like their balls regardless of what size or shape they are. They come in a wide variety of sizes: everything from dense bowling balls, to air-filled basketballs, hardcore baseballs, and little lightweight ping pongs. Men and women across the globe have exhibited that they get a significant amount of pleasure each week from balls.

When young couples marry, brides are sometimes surprised that their newlyweds leave their balls out on the couch or living room floor. New wives are usually fairly tolerant of things like this, but after children come into the picture, ladies often nag their children and their husbands about putting their balls away.

Keep your eye on the ball. Doesn’t it make more sense to give your kids things to help their brains and bodies develop, rather than deteriorate?

How much should you invest in your balls? 

Whatever you put into your balls now will certainly return to you later. Even a very small investment may give you a surprising rebound. Regardless of how much you choose to spend on your balls, your investment will provide you with dividends for years to come.

How can you get balls? 

If you don’t have any balls, don’t worry. They’re surprisingly easy to come by. Most women can attest to this. Women are natural shoppers. They know how to get what they’re looking for. If you’re having trouble finding your balls, ask a woman. She can help you out.

In a recent survey, most men reported that their balls are priceless and they’d spend almost anything to keep them. Both men and women enjoy checking out balls at places like Dicks, Sports Basement and Sports Authority.

Some people like old balls. Look for them in the toy section in your local Goodwill or Salvation Army. They often have bins or shelves full of toys and balls you can get for a few bucks. Play It Again Sports is another great place to find balls that have been kicked around. Most used balls work just fine. Older ones tend to have more character. Don’t worry if they’re a little deflated. You can pump them up with a little air.

Let the kids select the balls. Studies have shown that boys especially are more confident when they have a say in matters that involve their balls. Besides, kids are more likely to know what kinds of balls their friends like.

If you’re a germaphobe, wash the balls before you touch them. Men don’t mind playing with dirty balls, but girls do.

What kinds of balls work best?

Different balls serve different purposes, so don’t let anyone convince you that his balls are better than anyone else’s. It all depends on your personal preference. When I was a young girl, I loved playing with big inflatable balls at the beach. And I also liked playing with my Jacks with ball set. I had friends who were into tennis balls, pool table balls and footballs. But I was most impressed with one of my friends who could ride a unicycle while juggling balls or oranges.

When it comes to balls, the sky is the limit. What boy wouldn’t like to have glow in the dark balls, for example?

Should you give your balls away?

Do your part to End Sugar Addiction. Give balls away this year. Don’t worry about losing them. Studies have shown that when you give your balls away, they eventually bounce back.

What food can you serve at a costume ball?

Celebrate healthy eating. Serve healthy treats such as banana ghosts, tangerine pumpkins or fruit-kabobs. Hold a fruit & vegetable art contest for younger kids and a pumpkin carving contest for older ones.

Halloween food art - GreatFoodFunPlaces.com

Banana, tangerine and celery snack plate.

Kids today know how to keep their eyes on their Apple iPhones, but they’ll be more active if they’re participating in an apple-bobbing contest. Check your phone, not your watch. It’s time for change.

Do kids need more balls or more candy?

Halloween candy is out. Halloween balls are in.

According to the American Diabetes Association, about 26 million Americans have diabetes and another 79 million have prediabetes and are at risk of developing it.

Diabetes is a condition in which blood sugar levels are higher than they should be. It’s a serious disease which can result in slew of negative health effects. The ADA estimates that the total national cost of diagnosed diabetes in the US contributes $176 billion to the pharmaceutical and health care industries. Trick or treat?

As President Obama advises his nation . . .

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.
We are the change that we seek.”
BrainyQuote

Is Halloween a good time to schedule a ball game?

Yes. Host an afternoon softball or soccer game where players come dressed up in costumes. Then let kids get all juiced up as they participate in a fruit & vegetable art contest to explore their creative talent.

Should you involve your kids in ball planning? 

Yes. Involve your kids in planning the Halloween ball or ballgame. Brainstorm activities they might want to do. Not only will they have more fun at the party, they’ll also learn some basics of planning events and preparing healthy snacks.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, “eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating include extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are serious emotional and physical problems that can lead to life-threatening consequences.”

How do you know when it’s time to change a holiday tradition?

There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that world obesity has nearly doubled since 1980. More than 33% of the world’s population is overweight. According to the World Health Organization, 65% of the world’s population lives in countries where overweight and obesity kills more people than starvation. Weight issues are the fifth leading cause of death.

Who are you most afraid of? Witches, doctors or dentists?

The good news is that these dental and weight issues are preventable. If you want to protect your kids from these afflictions, check out this advice from the Childhood Obesity Foundation. They offer four simple things families can do now to help kids achieve healthy bodies.

Order your balls today. Then give your balls to your friends and tell them about the advantages of having a ball on Halloween.

Next time you’re thinking of reaching for a piece of candy. Resist. Reach for your balls instead.

Childhood Obesity Foundation

Your Best Excuse for Not Going to the Gym

By | Biking, BODY, Comedy, health, Pets, POPULAR, spouses | 6 Comments

It’s always good to have a few excuses up your sleeve in case you run into someone who nags you about joining a gym. Prepare now for the next time one of your “you-should-join-a-gym” friends or family members nags you. If you put a little thought into it now, you can easily ward them off later. For the sake of simplicity, let’s call this friend Jim. It’s best to develop a few excuses that are custom made for you, but here are a few ideas to get you started.

The world's strongest man, Patrick Baboumian, is vegan.

The world’s strongest man, Patrick Baboumian, is vegan.

“I’m taking vegan cooking classes.”

This is a timely excuse you can use now since Jim probably heard about Patrick Baboumian. At Toronto’s Vegetarian Food Festival this year, he carried 550 kg (1,212 lbs) more than 10 meters (32.8 feet), setting a new world record. This makes him the strongest man in the world. This 34-year-old Armenian-German relies on plant power to build his lean body mass and strength. The Star

When he was a boy, Patrick’s hero was the Hulk. Today, he’s achieved his goal of being as big as the Hulk, but despite eating lots of greens every day, he still hasn’t turned green.

He broke the world record by lifting some heavy metal on an outdoor stage. He didn’t use any fancy gym equipment. Real men go to competitions to lift things like logs and cars.

If Jim gives you a hard time about the vegan thing, tell him that after you eat your vegan dinner, you go around the house lifting furniture. Make up specific examples like, “I can already lift my LazyBoy. I’m working on lifting the couch, and eventually I may even be able to lift some of my family’s potatoes.”

“I’m concerned about FARTS.”

Flatulant Air Release Timing Syndrome (FARTS) is particularly troublesome in smaller gyms, and gyms with poor circulation. Scientists are still studying the causes and effects of FARTS. They believe it’s mainly due to diet, but it could also be hereditary.

Though it’s not considered to be contagious, other people will notice if you have FARTS and they may try to avoid you. FARTS is particularly common among people who run on treadmills or ride stationery bikes.

Psychologists are also studying other possible negative effects of treadmills and stationery bikes. When people ride bikes or run on treadmills that go nowhere, some psychologists believe that it may reinforce the idea that no matter how hard you work, you just don’t seem to get anywhere. Working hard to get nowhere? That stinks!

“My local gym won’t let me bring my dog.”

This is a perfect excuse if you have a dog because you can back it up with research. Studies show that pet ownership is linked with better heart health.

Dog owners can also use the FARTS excuse. Despite the fact that most dogs are smart enough to avoid treadmills and stationery bikes, some dog owners have reported that their dogs have contracted FARTS.

You can tell Jim that you’re waiting for a dog-friendly gym like FitBernalFit or K9FitClub. As soon as one opens nearby, you’ll be the first to join. If you have more than one dog, you can elaborate on the fact that your dogs really miss you when you’re at work, so you like to spend as much time as possible with them on evenings and weekends. It also gives you the opportunity to change the subject.

“You know how most people give their dogs boring names like Rover or Spot? I call mine Sex. I was so embarrassed recently when I went to the city hall to renew the dog’s license for Sex. I told the clerk, ‘I’d like a license for Sex.’ He said, ‘I’d like one too!’ Then I said, ‘She’s a dog!’ He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, ‘you don’t understand. I had Sex since I was 9 years old.'” Garrick’s Jokes

And you can go on talking about Sex until your friend forgets about the gym question. If Jim isn’t interested in Sex, then he’s probably not a very good friend anyway.

“I’m learning partner yoga.”

This is a good excuse for people who are married. Tell Jim that you and your spouse/partner are doing partner yoga together several hours every evening while you watch TV. If Jim persists by bragging about how much he benches or how many reps he does, tell him how much strength and flexibility you’ve gained now that you’re doing the dog, the cat, and even the happy baby.

“I’m totally claustrophobic.”

If you have an older brother or sister, you can use this excuse. Make up a story about how your older brother/sister locked you in the closet when you were five years old and ever since you’ve been chronically claustrophobic. Tell Jim that you need open space and fresh air.

If he persists, you can embellish a bit more on the indoor thing. Tell him you’re allergic to the toxic disinfectant sprays they use in gyms. He can’t argue with you on personal stuff like this.

This excuse works particularly well if you’ve ever lived near Venice, CA. Tell Jim that you just can’t seem to find a gym that compares to your former gym, Muscle Beach. You can’t stand those oppressive gyms without a view or fresh air.

Free Fresh Air: Hurry! Offer Ends Soon

“I bike to work.”

Jim probably drives to work. Tell him you’re taking up donations for the League of American Bicyclists to help make roads safer because of all the people driving to gyms. Tell him that you’re only asking for a small donation, about the cost of one tank of gas. If Jim drives a car, ask for $50. If he drives an SUV, ask for $80. If that doesn’t work, give him 13 reasons why he should bike to work.

“I get paid to workout.”

This is a perfect excuse for anyone who does manual labor. Whether you’re stocking shelves, framing houses, or climbing telephone poles, you’re getting paid to workout. Why do you think personal trainers are the only people excited about going to the gym? They’re paid to hang out there.

“I’m a stair master.”

This is a great excuse if you work or live in a tall building. The more floors, the better. You know how magazines are always putting out tips like, “take the steps instead of the elevator.” Tell Jim that you begin your workday by climbing 27 flights. That ought to impress him.

Why don’t more people take the steps? Most stairwells in the US are unattractive passageways installed just to meet ineffective safety codes. Remember the 200  9/11 jumpers?

It’s all backwards! We need to erect more buildings with the emergency stairwells outside the building where they belong. For the sake of good health, indoor stairways should be as elegant as today’s elevators, lined with mirrors, fine wood and polished brass rails. And only one elevator for the disabled. Some people think guns are killing a lot of people in the US, but this number is low compared to the statistics on elevators.

You can use the stair-master excuse for most people you know, but be careful about using it with colleagues who work in the same building. If Jim catches you in an elevator, you can say, “I’m running late for a meeting.” Of course he’ll understand.

White-collar people use this excuse all the time, even though most of them never run at all. People with desk jobs drive home and turn on their TV so they can watch cops and robbers chase after each other.

11 Equipment Essentials for Easy Everyday Exercises 

As you can see, there are many good reasons for not joining a gym. But just in case you’re still looking for a few more ideas, check out this two-minute clip by Jeff Allen . . .

If you’re forgetful, put the Hulk in your kitchen to remind you to eat your vegetables every day. The whole family can have fun with the Hulk. If you have kids, keep the Hulk next to the fruit bowl. If your in-laws are visiting for the weekend, put the Hulk in the refrigerator. Next time Uncle Jim comes over for dinner expecting steak, point to the Hulk.

Subscribe to VegNews to learn more about the benefits of going vegan.

One last word of caution. If you have a dog, be careful where you keep the Hulk. The Hulk has no protection from Sex.

What’s your excuse?

Vegan Society

Jokes for your friends who are sick and tired

By | Comedy, gifts, healthcare, Movies | 5 Comments
Halloween wheelchair

Fear of Western Medicine comes out of the closet on Halloween

“Nurse,” an anxious mother whimpers, “can you please tell me how my son is? He’s the one who swallowed the quarters.”

“No change yet,” the nurse replies. AhaJokes.com

Do you tighten up with fear each time you visit a friend or family member in the hospital? You’re not alone. In the US, the fear of doctors and dentists is right up there with the terrors of death, darkness, snakes, heights, and public speaking. Why are Americans so afraid of health care?

“Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car accident?”

“Don’t worry, he’s alright now.” GreatCleanJokes

Despite the fact that laughter is good for your health, medical schools neglect to provide courses on humor, and other important things like compassion and nutrition.

Dr. Patch Adams is a firm believer in the healing power of laughter. He put his medical degree and career on the line as he relentlessly laughed his way through medical school. Because traditional Western Medicine had little tolerance for his funny ways, he founded Gesundheit Institute, “a project in holistic medical care based on the belief that one cannot separate the health of the individual from the health of the family, the community, the world, and the health care system itself.”

At Gasundheit, health care is free, and full of fun and play.

Instead of letting your worst nightmares stifle you, use your dread of doctors, dentists, hospitals or shots to motivate you to prevent illness. Work on making better choices in your lifestyle and daily habits. Your fears are there to protect you. Use them wisely.

“Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?”

“Any glass jar will do,” the doctor replies. AhaJokes

Americans spend over $8,500 per capita on health care, more than any other nation in the world. Despite all this spending, American longevity ranks at the bottom of the list of developed countries. Life expectancy is an overall measure of the quality of life in a country. See the CIA World FactBook for the complete list of countries.

The Western medical community implants the belief that “prevention” requires visiting your doctor, taking a prescription, or checking in for surgery. Remember Angelina Jolie? This is no laughing matter!

Why We Need to Do Doctor Reviews on Our Last Doctors’ Visits

Patch Adams cartoon - empathetic doctor

“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”

“What on earth for?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. My wife insists that I should have had it done a long time ago. If you won’t do it, I’ll go to another doctor.”

“OK, but I advise you not to.”

Steve has the operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart. Heading toward him is another patient walking the same way.

“Hi there,” says Steve, “looks like you just had the same operation as me.”

“Yeah,” says the patient, “I finally got circumcised too.”

“Steve’s eyes widen in horror, “Oh no! How do you pronounce that word?” Jokes.com

The next time you visit a friend or family member in the hospital, make a special effort to make him or her laugh. You won’t be able to help everyone in the hospital, but you can make a difference for one person.

When I woke up after a surgery I had a few years ago, I remember feeling elated. Not only was I happy to still be alive, but also the pain medication was good stuff. My good friend, Cecile, sat on the bed, held my hands and made me laugh. It felt so good to giggle with her, despite the fact that it caused blood to gush from my fresh suture. She had me in bloody stitches!

Instead of bringing cut flowers that wilt and die within a few days, bring the gift of laughter:

Bring some whoopee cushions for your friend and the nurse.

Tell jokes to lift his or her spirit.

Bring a funny movie.

Hire a local comedian to perform for an hour.

Find a comedian through GigMasters or FunnyBusiness, or contact a local comedy club for a referral.

ComedyCures Logo EPS with website

A blond is having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”

Wimpering, the blond says, “that’s nice of you doc, but I’m here for medical advice.”  Jokes.com

Good advice from Robin Williams: Carpe Diem

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